


Feel.

by caitlesshea



Series: Canon-Lite. [1]
Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: M/M, Post 1x07, tough conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-21 15:52:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16579559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caitlesshea/pseuds/caitlesshea
Summary: After Adrian says it's over, they talk.





	Feel.

**Author's Note:**

> This is another story that is already posted on my Tumblr. A little post 1x07 conversation.

_You_ _can’t_ _make_ _me_ _feel_ _something_ _I_ _don’t._

 

He didn’t know what was happening. He felt like all the air had been sucked out of him. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. His ears were ringing. He didn’t know what to do. Which is probably why he was still sitting in his car in front of the Shop. He hadn’t even turned the car on.  _ Good _ , he thought.  _ I should sit in the stifling heat, suffocating. _ He couldn’t stop crying, and he hated himself for it. He knew he fucked up. Adrian was his best friend and he had hurt him beyond repair. He needed him, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

 

He couldn’t help but think back to the bathroom. To the fear in Adrian’s eyes and then to the resounding sadness as he flicked his eyes to J, like he knew why Deran was hitting him.  _ Allowing _ Deran to hit him. God, he hates himself. He bangs his head against the steering wheel. The tears keep falling and he doesn’t know how to stop them. He’s stupid, so stupid. Stupid to fall in love with his best friend. Stupid to think they could keep sneaking around. Stupid to think they could have here, what they had in Belize. Stupid for lying to everybody. Stupid for hitting him. Stupid for sending Pope after Dave. Fucking Dave. Ugh.

 

He hears a knock on the window and he jerks up. “ _ Shit _ ”, he says to himself and he wipes his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. He turns on the car so he can roll down the window, and zips up his hoodie. Any little thing to add protection.

 

“Deran?”, Adrian questions.

 

“Shit, sorry. I’m leaving”, he says as he begins to put the car in drive. He looks at the clock on the dash and realizes he’s been sitting here for over an hour.

 

He feels a hand on his shoulder. He can’t help it, he flinches away. Still so raw.

 

“Sorry”, Adrian says, and Deran laughs. Adrian’s too good for him.

 

“Not you who should be saying sorry man”, Deran says.

 

“D”, Adrian says, and he feels a pang in his chest at the sound of his nickname. A nickname that was originally just for them, but he was so embarrassed that he let Adrian call him by a pet name when Craig overheard it one day, that he didn’t stop Craig from using it himself. And then didn’t stop anyone else from using it either. He finally looks over at Adrian.

 

He sees Adrian’s eyes soften, and he hates himself even more. Like Adrian needs kid gloves around him. He wipes at his eyes again.

 

“I just need some time”, Adrian says softly.

 

“I get it”, Deran says back, harsher than he meant to.

 

“Do you, Deran?”, Adrian asks him.

 

“Yes, I…”, Deran starts to say.

 

“I’m gay, Deran,” Adrian cuts him off.

 

“I know, man”, Deran says back.

 

“I need..”, Adrian starts to say.

 

“I get it”, Deran says again.

 

“Jesus. Let me talk”, Adrian says sharply. He shuts his mouth.

 

“You’re my best friend. Can you listen to me, as my friend, for one minute?”, Adrian asks him. It’s the least he can do. He nods.

 

“I’m gay, Deran. That isn’t going to change, just because you insist on seeing me in the dark”, Adrian says.

 

“I know”, Deran says back. He hates talking about this. Adrian just gives him a look. Right, listening.

 

“I need someone who will be with me. Be there for me. Out in the open with me. Who  _ wants _ to be with me. I can’t keep sneaking around. I can’t keep looking over my shoulder. I can’t take the abuse from you. I get enough of that from my dad, when he bothers to come by. I can’t be worried that if I start seeing someone else, that you’ll hurt them, too”, Adrian says.

 

“I’m sorry”, Deran whispers. He feels small.

 

“You’re the first person I came out to Deran. All those years ago, did you know that?”, Adrian asks.

 

“No”, Deran says back. He had figured, but to have it confirmed made him feel like an even bigger asshole. And when he thinks back to all the years that they’ve been friends and all the years that they’ve been sleeping together, he can’t remember a single moment where he’s ever said the words “I’m gay”, and certainly not to Adrian. He feels dizzy with the knowledge of how much pain he’s caused him.

 

“I trust you, Deran. So much that it scares me. I know what I would allow you to do, keep doing, if this continues. And that isn’t healthy, for either of us. We’ve reached a place that isn’t good, man. You have to know that. I  _ know _ you know that. You have to figure out what you want, too”, Adrian says to him.

 

“I know what I…”, Deran starts.

 

“No you don’t”, Adrian says, “and that’s okay. You don’t have to have it all figured out, not right now. But, I just…need some time. Need to get my bearings again”.

 

“I get it”, Deran says. He’s still crying. At this point, he doesn’t care. Even after every shitty thing he’s ever done to Adrian, he knows that Adrian would never judge him. Never call him out for this.

 

He lets Adrian reach out and wipe his tears away. He’s ashamed, so ashamed. He’s hurt Adrian, so badly. In so many ways. Yet, here he is, letting Adrian comfort him. He isn’t strong enough to push him away.

 

He stares back at Adrian through his teary eyes. Adrian moves a hand to cup his cheek. He leans into it.

 

“We’ll be okay, D. I just need some time. Can you give me that?”, Adrian asks. It takes him a minute to catch his breath. He nods.

 

“Yeah man”, he says. His voice is so gravelly, he barely recognizes it. He thinks they’ve done enough talking about this and Adrian can only ask for space so many times, so he puts his car in drive and this time Adrian backs away. He pulls out of the parking space, and with one last look at Adrian, he drives away.

 

He wipes at his eyes again. This must be what breaking up with someone feels like. Like a knife to the heart. He knows he’s been spiraling. He feels like his life is one big sink hole, and he doesn’t know how to dig his way out. The one person he could count on, he successfully managed to push away. Did some irreparable damage. He really does hate himself.

 

As he’s driving back towards his place, he sees the lights on at the dive bar. Perfect, he can get drunk. But, then he notices it, a “For Sale” sign. He pulls into the parking lot. He has no idea why, but he feels a pull towards this. He gets out of the car and walks inside. He has to adjust to the light and to all the mermaids. Gross. He has this crazy idea in his head, and he thinks it might just be his best one yet.

 

The bartender catches his attention, “Hey what can I get ya?”, she asks.

 

“Is the owner around?”, he asks her.

 

She nods, “Yeah, I’ll get her”.

 

“Thanks”, he says. This is it. This is his way out, and his way back. Resolved, he wipes his face and puts up his hair. Whatever he has to do. This is his start towards becoming a better person. To getting out from under Smurf. To getting back to a place where he can be someone who deserves Adrian. He can feel it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
